Thoughts

In my first post I kind of touched on people seeing the aspergers or the mental health problems rather than me but I realized that I sometimes fall into that trap about myself too. I stop seeing myself as a person and when I look at myself all I see is some raging crackpot with brain that's wired up differently. Do other people do this too? Have we become subtly conditioned by others to only see ourselves in this way? Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like, "Holy crap am I being too overly autistic here?". How crazy is that? In that one thought, all I see is the aspergers and not me. I'd like to think I was a pretty decent person though. I love to laugh, I love to touch (apart from the things I'm hypersensitive to) to the extent that it's almost childlike, I like to hug, I like to listen and I'm stubborn and all sorts of other things. That's just me. Having aspergers is as much a part of me as being queer or breathing; it's a part of me but not the whole me and I think sometimes we forget that and that it's cool to define yourself as you and not a person with aspergers and nothing else.

In other news, I struggled with some more anxiety and paranoia today. Some friends of ours knocked on the window and it set me off. It was made even worse when Adam when to the door and was there for a good 5 minutes talking to them. It reminded me of a bad past experience. To be honest, I am using my last reserves to write this post before I get into bed with my snuggle blanket and the radio to calm down with.

Having aspergers and mental health issues in tandem is kinda like having a sleeping bear in your head and then someone going up to the bear and yanking on it's tail. The bear wakes up pissed and probably feels rather destructive. At least, that's what it feels like to me. It's the best way I could think of describing it.

Jak