I know, it's been a while. I've not really thought about or been very inclined to write recently. Anyway, here is some of my news in handy bullet points :)
+ I have quit smoking
+ I have turned 21 and my housemates threw me a great party ^_^
+ I had a shittacular day last week so I didn't get out of bed or go to work
+ Oxfam is going well and I have sort of taken over the running of Bookfest for our shop.
+ My anti-depressants have stopped working so now I need to go back and get some more but I am sick of taking the damn things.
+ I am a bit unwell at the moment (probably because of quitting)
+ My book collection is growing a tiny bit.
+ I recently bought some more make up because I'm obsessed with the stuff.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Quick update
I meant to post last week but I've not been well on the mental health front lately due to a lot of stresses.
My biggest news is that I managed to get a small part time job in an Oxfam book shop. For any readers not in the UK, Oxfam is a charity that helps impoverished countries and communities to help themselves. They're big fair trade advocates too. Anyway, it's only 2 afternoons a week at the moment but I may ask for another shift because I'm enjoying it. There is something so nice and relaxing about working in a book shop. We sell records/cd's/videos too and some fair trade stuff like tea and coffee. It's nice to donate my time for a good cause and it's also helping me too. It'll give me some much needed work experience, something to do during the week and help my people skills. The manager is very understanding about my aspie and mental health stuff and I believe there are one or two others who work there with similar things. I also get on well with my co-workers and one or two of them asked about my name which led me onto my gender and they were very accepting and awesome about it. One of them is on the board of the lesbian and gay christian association (I think that's what it's called) which is also cool.
I have also gotten back into listening to the radio again. Mostly it's at night so I end up listening to the BBC World Service which does have some very interesting programmes on it and good news programmes. Sometimes I listen to Radio 1 or just cycle through random stations when I fancy a change but I mostly stick with WS. I forgot how much I love listening to the radio. I would like to invest in an old working wireless when I have the funds so I can listen to it in style. It's a nice side interest that ties in with my World War interest.
I was thinking what word or phrase I prefer for that sort of thing. I don't like passion or obsession much but I do like special interest but that's exactly what it is.
Anyway, I'm off to listen to the radio.
Jak
My biggest news is that I managed to get a small part time job in an Oxfam book shop. For any readers not in the UK, Oxfam is a charity that helps impoverished countries and communities to help themselves. They're big fair trade advocates too. Anyway, it's only 2 afternoons a week at the moment but I may ask for another shift because I'm enjoying it. There is something so nice and relaxing about working in a book shop. We sell records/cd's/videos too and some fair trade stuff like tea and coffee. It's nice to donate my time for a good cause and it's also helping me too. It'll give me some much needed work experience, something to do during the week and help my people skills. The manager is very understanding about my aspie and mental health stuff and I believe there are one or two others who work there with similar things. I also get on well with my co-workers and one or two of them asked about my name which led me onto my gender and they were very accepting and awesome about it. One of them is on the board of the lesbian and gay christian association (I think that's what it's called) which is also cool.
I have also gotten back into listening to the radio again. Mostly it's at night so I end up listening to the BBC World Service which does have some very interesting programmes on it and good news programmes. Sometimes I listen to Radio 1 or just cycle through random stations when I fancy a change but I mostly stick with WS. I forgot how much I love listening to the radio. I would like to invest in an old working wireless when I have the funds so I can listen to it in style. It's a nice side interest that ties in with my World War interest.
I was thinking what word or phrase I prefer for that sort of thing. I don't like passion or obsession much but I do like special interest but that's exactly what it is.
Anyway, I'm off to listen to the radio.
Jak
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Thoughts
In my first post I kind of touched on people seeing the aspergers or the mental health problems rather than me but I realized that I sometimes fall into that trap about myself too. I stop seeing myself as a person and when I look at myself all I see is some raging crackpot with brain that's wired up differently. Do other people do this too? Have we become subtly conditioned by others to only see ourselves in this way? Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like, "Holy crap am I being too overly autistic here?". How crazy is that? In that one thought, all I see is the aspergers and not me. I'd like to think I was a pretty decent person though. I love to laugh, I love to touch (apart from the things I'm hypersensitive to) to the extent that it's almost childlike, I like to hug, I like to listen and I'm stubborn and all sorts of other things. That's just me. Having aspergers is as much a part of me as being queer or breathing; it's a part of me but not the whole me and I think sometimes we forget that and that it's cool to define yourself as you and not a person with aspergers and nothing else.
In other news, I struggled with some more anxiety and paranoia today. Some friends of ours knocked on the window and it set me off. It was made even worse when Adam when to the door and was there for a good 5 minutes talking to them. It reminded me of a bad past experience. To be honest, I am using my last reserves to write this post before I get into bed with my snuggle blanket and the radio to calm down with.
Having aspergers and mental health issues in tandem is kinda like having a sleeping bear in your head and then someone going up to the bear and yanking on it's tail. The bear wakes up pissed and probably feels rather destructive. At least, that's what it feels like to me. It's the best way I could think of describing it.
Jak
In other news, I struggled with some more anxiety and paranoia today. Some friends of ours knocked on the window and it set me off. It was made even worse when Adam when to the door and was there for a good 5 minutes talking to them. It reminded me of a bad past experience. To be honest, I am using my last reserves to write this post before I get into bed with my snuggle blanket and the radio to calm down with.
Having aspergers and mental health issues in tandem is kinda like having a sleeping bear in your head and then someone going up to the bear and yanking on it's tail. The bear wakes up pissed and probably feels rather destructive. At least, that's what it feels like to me. It's the best way I could think of describing it.
Jak
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Urgh!
Last night was pretty eventful. I was entering the beginnings of a pretty bad ass meltdown triggered by anxiety and feeling generally paranoid and unsettled (more on this later). I ended up getting out of bed, running out of the room because I didn't want to be touched and grabbing a cigarette. It took the edge off a little bit so I decided to see if my special interest (WW1/2) would be a good enough distraction to help me calm down so I stuck the TV onto the Military History channel in an effort to find something. I should note at this point that I was rocking like a champion and flicking my fingers against my leg. Needless to say, I was in a bad way. I am not sure what triggered it. Thankfully, I got distracted enough by a WW2 programme that I started to relax but I must have been continuously rocking for nearly an hour.
Once I calmed down a bit though I worked out that it might be PTSD related and I am still suffering symptoms of that even though it's not as bad as it was 3+ years ago. I think once that get's addressed though, it will speed up my recovery from Depression which will in turn, help me be a lot calmer and better able to deal with things.
Jak
Once I calmed down a bit though I worked out that it might be PTSD related and I am still suffering symptoms of that even though it's not as bad as it was 3+ years ago. I think once that get's addressed though, it will speed up my recovery from Depression which will in turn, help me be a lot calmer and better able to deal with things.
Jak
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
The way I talk
I realized a few days ago just how much I communicate with music and lyrics. For example I'm very careful about what I play around people, not because I'm worried they won't like the song but because of what the song says and in case I'm communicating something unintentional.
I actually find speech pretty hard sometimes, especially when the depression is raging. It can be difficult to verbally convey what's inside and other times it feels like the link between my brain and my mouth is broken or has shut down and needs to 'repair'. I find tools like text messaging, writing and sign language very useful during those times and of course, music. My body language often speaks loud and clear to people too in that they know something is wrong even if it's not specific and it's a helpful start.
Imitating lines from films isn't something I do very often, rarely in fact but I have done it in the past. As a kid, I used to imitate noises like the ones the Skeksis made in The Dark Crystal. I have also been known to come out with fitting Blackadder quotes to fit funny situations but no one really minds or notices because they think it's funny and they know what I'm referring to.
A lot of human communication is non-verbal anyway. I think for me personally, I rely on it a lot more than your average person because of the aspergers. I am not great at reading body language in others though (unless I know them quite well) so amusingly, I rely on other peoples speech to convey what they're thinking/feeling.
Not surprisingly, the hardest thing about sign language for me to learn is the body language part and the facial expressions heh. I don't know loads of BSL but I'm trying to learn the odd word here and there when I can.
Jak
I actually find speech pretty hard sometimes, especially when the depression is raging. It can be difficult to verbally convey what's inside and other times it feels like the link between my brain and my mouth is broken or has shut down and needs to 'repair'. I find tools like text messaging, writing and sign language very useful during those times and of course, music. My body language often speaks loud and clear to people too in that they know something is wrong even if it's not specific and it's a helpful start.
Imitating lines from films isn't something I do very often, rarely in fact but I have done it in the past. As a kid, I used to imitate noises like the ones the Skeksis made in The Dark Crystal. I have also been known to come out with fitting Blackadder quotes to fit funny situations but no one really minds or notices because they think it's funny and they know what I'm referring to.
A lot of human communication is non-verbal anyway. I think for me personally, I rely on it a lot more than your average person because of the aspergers. I am not great at reading body language in others though (unless I know them quite well) so amusingly, I rely on other peoples speech to convey what they're thinking/feeling.
Not surprisingly, the hardest thing about sign language for me to learn is the body language part and the facial expressions heh. I don't know loads of BSL but I'm trying to learn the odd word here and there when I can.
Jak
I am here
First and foremost, I am a person above all things. I just happen to be a person with aspergers and depression. I think person-first language is important. I don't want to be called an autistic person because you're recognizing that before you recognize me. You wouldn't call someone with cancer a cancered person would you? Why is it that physical things get person-fist language but mental health stuff like depression doesn't? I hate being called a depressed person even more than I hate being called an autistic person. Hello!? I am here too! So that's why I called my blog that very same thing. I want to write about my experiences, about me and how these things affect me as a person.
I may not write regularly sometimes, often just because I'm having a bad day and I'm struggling to get out of bed, never mind type out something. I will try to write often though. I will also note that everything I write about is personal to me. I'm not a doc, I'm not offering medical advice. My coping strategies and so on work for me but they might not work for others. If you've met one person with aspergers or depression, then you've met one person. Everyone is different and adapts in their own way.
Jak
I may not write regularly sometimes, often just because I'm having a bad day and I'm struggling to get out of bed, never mind type out something. I will try to write often though. I will also note that everything I write about is personal to me. I'm not a doc, I'm not offering medical advice. My coping strategies and so on work for me but they might not work for others. If you've met one person with aspergers or depression, then you've met one person. Everyone is different and adapts in their own way.
Jak
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